There are Ladies Present Gosh Darn it
by 2hearts1soul
Summary: The one where college students Stiles and Isaac become the entertainment at the pre-wedding party for Iron Man and Captain America, much to everyone's complete and utter astonishment. Except for JARVIS. Who is a little shit and knows how to get revenge.
1. Chapter 1

"Lydia Martin is a dead woman." the menace in the whispered voice was all too real and clear to the Werewolf in the silent still night.

"What the hell?" the low growl was just as menacing at the threat to one of his pack mates. Even if it was another pack mate who made it. Probably the pack mate least likely to threaten their red headed goddess and business genius but still the threat was there.

Pretty amber eyes flashed with furious outrage but the scent of angry embarrassment was as strong as the expression. "Again what the hell Dude?" the wolf repeated.

"I am never trusting that deceitful manipulative witch again" the hissed words were spat out with venom as a cell phone suddenly materialised out of thin air.

The werewolf's eyes widened, where the hell had his pack mate been hiding that? He was damn sure he had no space in his own carefully designed skin tight uniform to allow even a sliver of air to caress his skin let alone a damn cell.

One button was pressed and the call was connected immediately. Typical Lydia, she must have anticipated this reaction but the wolf would dearly love to know what the freaking problem was. They had a job to do as per usual, emotions were never a factor, they couldn't afford for them to be. It was just a job like so many others they had already completed. So what was so different about this one?

Before a word was uttered, the bored slightly distracted dulcet tones of their handler asked "So you figured out where you are did you?"

"Jesus Christ Lyds, this is the Compound" was the enraged reply. The Werewolf blinked his eyes. Nope he was none the wiser.

His seething pack mate must have seen his confused expression even in the dark because he clarified with a snarl "The Avengers Compound, the Compound housing the Avengers, who avenge and kick ass and save the world like the Superheroes they are and who live in this Compound. The Compound outside of which we are now standing. That Compound"

Before the Werewolf could react and his own heart had begun to race whether from nerves or anticipation he couldn't tell, their handler's voice sharpened

"And? It's just a job. An extremely well paid job. A job you successfully complete on a regular basis and in secret. No one has ever found out. No one knows about our profitable little side-line. Did I mention how well paid it was? This will pay off all of our school fees until we graduate with plenty left over for any future decisions. So we won't need to do this again. You don't need to do this again. Now put on your big boy pants and remember you are a professional. Or at least semi-professional. Get in there, hit them hard, you know you have the skills to take them and then get out. Our inside guy is waiting for you. Now do your damn job Stiles and make us rich"

The phone went dead. Stiles stared wide-eyed into the equally wide-eyed curly haired cherubic face of his partner in crime. "Isaac?" The Werewolf shrugged helplessly. They turned as one as they saw the side security door open slowly. Obviously their contact had got tired of waiting for the signal to let them in.

" Well fuck" was the oddly apt but unhelpful response from the Werewolf.

Tony Stark had a drink in his hand standing in the main living area of the Compound which had been decorated like a fairy grotto on the night before his long awaited wedding. He was pretty damn sure that those assholes Barnes and Barton had been instrumental in the decoration and that there were probably built in traps for the unwary or naïve but he had told them or had JARVIS tell them in no uncertain terms that if anything happened to delay or destroy the wedding plans they were dead men. Complete and utter corpses, no zombie like resurrection for them. He would drop them both in the Mariana trench with a Jericho bomb attached to their man bits and that was just the kind portion of the retaliation.

Christ it had taken him long enough to get his partner to the point of actually agreeing to the wedding. Nothing but nothing was going to stop this. Not even that mega psycho Thanos and his hard on for Lady Death was going to interrupt Tony's big day. Now where was his shy but incredibly sexy little bridester? Ha little!

His eyes swung around the room until he saw Captain America laughing with delight at something Thor was saying or booming because it looked like the Falcon who had Natasha pinned to the couch with a predatory smirk worthy of his call sign heard what was said and laughed in startled amusement. Tony would have to find out what that was all about later. It was probably yet another joke about Thor's hammer. His Cap had a surprisingly dirty sense of humour, when he wasn't being uptight and concerned about the proper way to do things.

Thor had promised him that the Asgardian mead he was gifting to the celebration would ensure that the super soldiers got to enjoy the party just as much as the rest of them. Although damn them they wouldn't have hang overs in the morning. Just as well the wedding was set for dusk the following day at the renovated Malibu estate. They could all recover on the flight there.

However despite his reputation, Tony had ginger ale in the crystal glass in his hand. He had drunk champagne to the toasts but he wanted to enjoy his, their big day, so it was no biggie staying off the booze. Seriously champagne was like soda to him after all these years but no way was he going to be half cut at this own damn wedding. He had never been married before and this one was for keeps so he was going to remember it.

He moved towards Steve with determination, he wanted to feel those laughing lips against his own, when the deadly duo blocked his path. He nearly groaned but didn't dare let it show on his face. He wanted to be alive for the damn wedding.

"Ladies you are both looking exceptionally beautiful tonight, have you finally come to your senses and decided to steal me away to make me your Sugar Daddy sex toy?" he grinned salaciously at the pair of them.

Pepper rolled her eyes with amusement but Maria Hill merely stared at him impassively. Damn it, he would get those eyebrows of doom to smile one of these days. Before he could continue and put his elegant extremely expensive handmade Italian leather shoes further into his mouth, Pepper scolded fondly "Now Mr Stark you know the bride is not supposed to see the groom the night before the wedding"

Tony grinned at her "Anglo-Saxon tradition darling Miss Potts, I am from good Mediterranean stock. So doesn't apply. Wait which one of us is the bride?" Maria actually snorted before her face fell back into that SHIELD issued bland expression.

Over their shoulders he could see Steve's grin as he listened unashamedly to the conversation. Damn Super soldier hearing. He pursed his lips and blew him a kiss. The red flush in Steve's cheeks totally enhanced the beautiful blue of his eyes. It was the reason that Tony loved teasing him. Well that and the fact that Cap's retaliation was inventive, hot like burning and could last all day. A man with a plan indeed.

The sound of a door slamming against a wall silenced the chatter and laughter in the room as all the occupants turned to face the entrance. Tony was perplexed, his damn doors weren't capable of being slammed. He had spent too many years watching Star Trek to accept anything other than automatic body heat sensors sliding doors open as soon as anyone was in range. Slamming doors his fine half Italian ass! Not in his god damn compound. What the hell was going on?

If he hadn't been Tony Stark he would have gaped at the sight before him. But he was Tony Stark so he didn't. But what the hell? Why were there two cops standing frowning in his door way?

He saw his team mates tense up and start to move into defensible positions. He also saw the two cops take note of that behaviour and whilst the pale dark haired one frowned even harder, the blonde curled cutie-pie cop actually god damn smirked. Thoughts raced through Tony's head as he realised that something didn't add up. Irritation and the beginnings of anger started in his gut.

The dark haired cop peeped out from under the peak of his rather large hat and his pale face took on that professional long suffering patient look common to LEOs everywhere whilst he gave the room a small perfectly fake smile. The beauty marks on his face though almost made him look too cute to be a cop but Tony was well aware that judging a book by its cover was a mistake.

"Evening Folks, My name is Officer Woods and this is Officer Lycan. I'm afraid we have had a complaint about the noise levels here tonight. May we speak to the party's host please so we can sort this out and then leave you to your celebration?"

The cop's voice was calm and a little bored as if this was just the start of the shift for him as they both strolled into the room stopping in the centre where an area for dancing had been cleared as it offered them the best view of every one.

Tony and Steve took a step forward together "Hosts Son, there are two of us" Steve started, adopting his "Captain America is not very impressed with you so buck up buddy" expression. They were both startled to see amusement cross the young cop's face and the up to now silent one let out a suspicious choking noise that had Barnes tense up.

Before the Winter Soldier could make an appearance, and Tony couldn't find it in his heart to blame Barnes because there was something damn hinky about this, Tony interjected coldly.

"Now Officer Woods, would you like to explain a) how anyone barring the people in this room could hear anything to make a damn complaint as we rather a long way from any inhabited areas and b) how the hell you got through my damn security?"

The menace in the air was tangible as Rhodey bluntly commented, "What precinct are you from? I'm going to ring your Captain" Ever the practical one his honey bear.

The cops removed their hats and tucked them under their armpits in perfect sync. Tony saw the Widow draw out her knives in the corner of his eye. Did his ears deceive him? Was that a growl? Did those damn cops have a dog with them too? Why would K9 officers be sent to his Compound. He looked at them more closely.

By Thor's glorious butt, Police Officers were getting younger every damn day and what were they wearing? Was their department budget that bad they couldn't afford the material, it was stretched so thin over their bodies there was nothing left to the imagine… oh.. OH!

Tony ran a quick glance around the room and judging by the amused expressions the only one who seemed oblivious to what was really going on was his dear fiancee. Mischief sparkled in his eyes as he waited for their next move. He was still going to find out who had set them up for this though and let their unexpected guests through security. He would get JARVIS right on that, once he could drag his eyes away from Steve's face.

"Officer Lycan, is it me or is it rather warm in here" Woods asked his partner without taking his eyes away from Tony or Steve. A long elegant finger tilted Woods head to the side, it proceeded to run slowly up his neck, and then the finger was put to Lycan's mouth with an appreciative moan as he licked it delicately. Tony was amused to feel low level arousal hit his gut at the sight. He would bet the profits from his next invention that everyone else in the room got a hit from that too, even his ultra straight Rhodey. Fuck the little bastards were good.

"Hmm you are getting rather sweaty Officer Woods" Lycan's voice was a deep rumble they all felt on a visceral level. If Tony could bottle that voice he would corner the sex market too.

They all watched in disbelief as Lycan stepped up behind Woods and began to slowly unbutton the guy's shirt whilst leaning his head against his shoulder and outright smirking at Steve and Tony as he blatantly licked his own plush lips.

"You need some air Officer Woods we can't have you over heating when we have a job to do can we?"

There was a slight flush to Woods' face that brought out the colour in those striking amber eyes.

Steve had been as frozen with shock as his time in the ice but then he spat out in embarrassment when he finally realised what was happening. "Stop that. What do you two think you are doing? There are Ladies present gosh darn it". Tony's eyes widened. "Oh Shit" he winced.

Darcy, Jane, Pepper, Betty and the Black Widow turned to stare unnervingly at the blushing Captain. After her own death glare directed at America's Darling, Maria Hill's husky voice broke the ominous silence and offered wicked encouragement. "Oh don't mind him Officers, why don't you continue showing us your… credentials?"

Barton's bellow of laughter broke the spell and even Banner had a smile on his face. Tony wasn't sure whether to comfort his darling relic or slap him across the head for being so dumb but he refused to take his attention away from the two fake cops who had gate-crashed his party.

Woods face went back to the almost professional cop expression totally ignoring the way his partner was blatantly revealing and stroking his chest.

"Why we are doing our job of course Sir. Local Enforcement Officers are often called upon to offer advice and assistance at important life events. So Officer Lycan and I would like to offer both you and your intended these words of wisdom for your marriage"

They stepped away from each other and suddenly the room had darkened, glittering disco lights flickered across everything including Steve Rodger's utterly gobsmacked face and the music began.

A sultry female voice spoke before the beat picked up and the two fake half naked cops moved with sinuous grace as they mimed along to the words of Meghan Trainer's "Dear Future Husband"

By the time the music had stopped and the lights were raised, most of the cops uniforms were draped over Tony and Steve. Lycan especially had seemed to take delight in decorating the Super Soldier. Just as well Tony wasn't much of a jealous guy. If he had given Woods a rather lingering kiss when Lycan had dragged Steve's hand across his ass and said hand had remained in place for just this side of too long then who could blame Tony for a bit of payback.

If JARVIS hadn't recorded all that, Tony was going to donate him to the local Community College. Cap's face was priceless but he had finally seen the funny side.

No-one was really surprised when it was the Black Widow who switched from tolerant amusement to terrifying threat within the space of a sentence as the two were unselfconsciously dressing themselves again.

"You know if you boast to the press about this evening, we will hunt you down?" She asked coldly.

For some reason Officer Lycan laughed aloud at that threat, and spluttered something like "so got that tee-shirt Lady" until a pale arm smacked him in the gut. "Isaac cut it out" Woods hissed.  
But he offered Natasha a charming smile that didn't reach his intent eyes. " Hey, we have more to lose than you guys. We could get booted out of our respective universities for conduct unbecoming or some such shit, and believe me Ma'am. there is no way in hell my Dad gets to find out about my unusual money making activities through the tabloids. He'd kill me stone dead, find a way to resurrect me and then kill me again"

She seemed to accept that as the truth but there was one last thing that was bugging Tony and no way were these college kids leaving before he got the answer to his question.

"Who let you through Security?"

"Booking came through our office. Same dude who hired us" was the response from Lycan.

Tony rolled his eyes, he knew distraction techniques when they were used against him. "Who. Let. You. Through. My. Security. Systems?" He spoke slowly and clearly.

Tony knew JARVIS could find out, but he was hoping to force the prankster's hand by questioning the boys. It had to be someone in the room. He just knew it was either Barnes or Barton. He felt it in his water. He was going to make them admit it and then make them suffer for at least a month.

Woods took out his cell phone. Wait. What? Where the hell had the kid stashed it in that uniform? It was skin tight, there was absolutely no room for him to be carrying a cell. Tony's eyes raked over the kid's body with interest until he heard the angry sounding cough next to him. He sighed. Seriously Steve he was only checking out the hiding places in that outfit!

Woods pressed a button. "Did the client want confidentiality?" he asked briskly.

A young woman's voice responded "No he even seemed amused at the notion that they would find out. Now hurry up Stiles, you and Isaac are taking me to dinner"

Woods (Stiles? What the hell was a Stiles?) popped his hat on his head at a jaunty angle. He grinned wickedly as he stared directly at Tony.

"Dude I have always wanted to say this… the butler did it."

Woods and Lycan had made their way to the entrance before the sound of Tony Stark's disbelieving bellow echoed through the room

"JARVIS?"

Then as the implications resounded through his brain. "God damn it, did you make my doors slam?"

* * *

AN:

Seriously I have no idea what this is! I came across Meghan Trainor's "Dear Future Husband" on You Tube, hadn't seen it before and it made me laugh. Then my brain conjured up Stiles miming to it and from that developed Lydia and her small troupe of part time student secret exotic dancers and the commission of a lifetime to entertain Iron Man and Captain America. But its a secret from them too, because JARVIS has had enough of both their shit. Captain America reluctant to get married even though he adores Tony because he was raised way back when and what if it impacts on the star spangled legend. Tony's insecurities because of Steve and poor JARVIS had to put up with it all. So J gets even, Stiles wants to kill Lydia when he realises, but Isaac is just bewildered poor baby. Pure (impure?) silliness. And of course they would have aliases... Enjoy :)

No infringement intended...


	2. Chapter 2

"Target acquired" Barton's voice was low but clear through the dedicated channel.

Romanov smoothly raised the cup and took a sip of the boringly generic latte.

Barnes tucked a lock of her black hair wig behind her ear with a besotted smile, whilst his cool grey eyes were assessing the situation behind her back. The Widow stared at the reflection in the big bay window, years of experience allowing her to correctly interpret the mirrored scene. Satisfaction briefly lit her eyes. At last. It had proved surprisingly difficult to get to this point.

The group of students were animated, the outer ring boisterous and loud, whilst the inner core, two familiar young men flanking a smaller redheaded girl like devoted slaves to an imperious queen were all discussing something intently.

Something about them all made him feel old, had he and Stevie ever been that young?

Barnes super soldier hearing had picked up some odd words, really odd words like Pack, Alpha and the one that caused a small involuntary quirk in his eyebrow, Zombie Wolf, before Hawkeye's low voiced report.

It was only because of his super soldier eyesight that he caught it. The blonde kid (with the adorable face, but not that he would admit that on pain of torture) had reacted to Barton's words. It should have been impossible god damn it. Not even he or Stevie could hear the conversation through the Stark designed personal communication devices unless they were actually wearing them.  
Stark had managed to create something that couldn't be compromised so how in the holy hell had the kid heard it? The guy had covered it almost immediately but Barnes would swear on his left nut that the kid had heard Barton.  
The blonde had then lent towards the dark haired guy and muttered something under his breath. The pale faced kid, the erstwhile Woods, with the sparking eyes had suddenly leapt into action like a bouncy marionette, finding a way to make the outer group of students swirl frantically around the three of them with raucous laughter and good natured jostling.

Bucky clasped the Black Widow's hand and his fingers beat out the silent message as they both rose smoothly from the kerbside table of the small café.

They had finally tracked them down. JARVIS had surprisingly been totally unhelpful and had even blocked their research in ways they still hadn't all discovered. It had taken Stark's direct intervention to get the obstinate AI to cease the obfuscation but even then JARVIS had refused to give out names because of some idiotic confidentiality agreement. Barnes had been gobsmacked. JARVIS was an AI, how the hell could he be held to a legal agreement designed for humans? But when he had tried to voice that objection, he had earned the Stevie exasperated "how dumb are you?" expression and been treated to a Tony tirade on true AI ethics, and fucking cold showers, cold coffee, uncooperative doors until he had the gumption to apologise directly to JARVIS. After JARVIS's retaliatory strikes, Bucky was convinced the modern bodiless robot actually just liked those god damn kids.

However James Buchanan Barnes could out stubborn Steven Grant Rogers when he put his mind to it, and he wanted those kids found. Stevie and even Tony damn him, meant too much to him. Tasha, and Barton the nutjob agreed with him.

There was something off about those two guys who had provided the unexpected entertainment at the pre wedding bash. Bucky wasn't taking any chances with Stevie's safety, not that he told his oldest friend that, but those kids had a few questions to answer and if that meant that they faced Winter and Widow under the sharp eyed surveillance of Hawkeye, then so be it.

Officer Woods, aka Genim "Stiles" Stilinski of the sparkling eyes and wicked grin. What the hell was a "Stiles"? Officer Lycan aka Isaac Lahey of the cherubic face and unbelievable hearing and their overlord, one Lydia Martin, short, red haired and ruthless, all childhood friends and students at the same university had been found despite JARVIS' objections.

Now they just had to find out how dangerous those kids were and what secret they were keeping.

"Shit Zac, Derek will lose it" Stiles muttered when he heard what the werewolf had to say. Why the hell were they being tracked? Things had been peaceful for a couple of years since Chris Argent lost his shit at the wider Hunter community and took out some of the worst offenders. Fucking hunters. They had to get Lydia to safety. Thank god that they were part of a larger group, no self-respecting Hunter not even the complete psychos would go after members of a wolf pack in front of witnesses. Target acquired his stylish student ass.

"Hey Guys, did you hear about the party at Whittemore's place Friday night. Open house" Stiles called across to the other students, cheerfully setting Jackson up for the fall and cost of a party knowing he wouldn't complain (much) if it was to keep Lyds safe. As expected it caused the kind of rapid voluble excitement which made sure that all three were enclosed in the larger group.

Stiles breathed a little easier as he asked softly "Where?" "Patisserie roof and two heading towards us now, man and woman" Isaac responded promptly then said with confusion. "Voice was familiar, but haven't come across any Hunters for at least a year"

"Then perhaps we are not dealing with Hunters" Lydia responded sharply "Who else has access to that kind of equipment and skill that we dealt with not so long ago"

Isaac frowned and concentrated his gaze on the two people heading towards then. "Fuck a flying duck" Stiles and Isaac turned to look at each other as they said the phrase simultaneously.

"Stiles if you dare to say I told you so.." Lydia began but Stiles didn't care, he had told her so and he snarled that right back at her.

For fuck's sake they had the Avengers stalking them. How was this their life?

Isaac suddenly raised his head, his eyes widened as he sniffed delicately and gave a groan. Oh God, could this get any worse?

Romanov stared in disbelief at the extremely handsome older man who appeared out of nowhere and stepped into their path, wearing the kind of smile on his goateed face that even caused the Black Widow to feel an unaccustomed shiver. Barnes lost the calm relaxed stance he had adopted and suddenly he was exuding the menace of the Winter Soldier. Who the fuck was this guy, he set off all the Soldier's warning triggers, despite the fact he wore the kind of expensive suit that Tony would adore.

"Christ on a crutch, I didn't even see the Guy move, where the hell did he come from?" Barton's exasperated voice was clear in the com unit and Bucky's gut clenched when he saw the Stranger's smile widen. He knew for sure that this bastard had heard Barton too. He slowly began to flex the arm. He knew how terrifying he could look when the Soldier was to the fore. There was something about this guy that made him want as many advantages as possible. What the fuck were these people?

Intense blue eyes took in both the Avengers in front of him as he shook his head in mock reproof "Seriously, targeting kiddies now Avengers? How shameful." The smooth melodious voice dropped lower until it seemed to growl with animal intensity "A bit of advice, it's not healthy going after my… family, especially the impulsive idiotic children"

In the background Isaac winced and then blushed.

Barton was struck with the notion that these people must be mutants. No way could the kid have heard that without some enhancements.

Widow stepped into his space "It's also not healthy threatening the Avengers" she responded coldly but just as urbanely.

"Feisty redheads, don't you just adore them?" the man commented idly, his gaze sweeping over her dismissively and then seemly drawn like a magnet back to the Soldier. The obvious menace actually sounded flirty as he addressed Barnes "But I have always had a weakness for Bad Boys in leather". And his god damn pink tongue delicately licked his god damn bottom lip whilst he peered suggestively at the Soldier under heavy lidded eyes. What the actual fuck?

Bucky's eyes widened as he felt the first clutch of unwilling arousal. The guy's nose flared slightly and then his smile became smug.

Hawkeye nearly choked on his spit "Is this dude for real? He's hitting on Bucky?"

"Clever little bird brain" the bastard laughed as he was suddenly in front of the Super Soldier and swung him into a dip to steal a kiss. The punch from the Soldier's metal arm missed the guy by inches as he moved back to his original position in front of the Widow who now had her bites pointing straight at him, as she threatened him in Russian.

"Oh God help us all, fucking Peter in fine flirtatious form, someone is going to die right here and now, it'll go viral and then we have to deal with Derek's eyebrows of censure for the rest of eternity and even worse my Dad" Stiles groaned, then his agile and fertile brain kick started his mouth.

"Hey Guys, look it's the Avengers, first one to get their Autographs gets free drinks all night at Whittemore's" he shouted to rest of the students.

The Soldier, the Stranger and the Widow turned at the sound of pounding feet and cheering. The Soldier and the Widow smoothly and unobtrusively replaced their weapons as they saw the horde of students heading toward them chanting and waving bits of paper.

When the Avengers turned back, the Stranger was gone and they were engulfed in autograph hunters.

Barnes could still feel his lips tingling from that fucking kiss. He knew with every fibre of his being that they were going to be mocked relentlessly by Stark and his god damn AI for the near future because bloody Barton was getting a head start on that by laughing his lungs up. No way would he keep this quiet. Oh dear God, Stevie would never let him hear the end of it. He just got kiss ambushed by a Tony Clone.

Forget the damn kids, he was going to hunt down that guy and kick his ass, but only after he had made him finish what he started.

Notes:

Couldn't resist the notion of Zombie Wolf and the Winter Soldier. And the fact that he has a goatee and wears expensive suits like Tony... made me laugh my socks off. No infringement intended. Hope you enjoy.


	3. Chapter 3

"Have you finally gone and lost whatever marbles you still had rattling around that wolfy noggin of yours?" Stiles let rip with an exasperated shout as he caught sight of the elegant figure insouciantly draped over their comfy couch.

The trio had ditched their excitable entourage as soon as the other students were surrounding the Avengers and demanding autographs. Isaac had basically wrapped an arm around each of them and took off like a bat, er wolf out of hell. He was moving so fast he was basically carrying Stiles and Lydia. Thank all the gods that no-one noticed his obvious supernatural behaviour because of the merry kerfuffle over the famous (infamous) duo.  
Meh Stiles might have whipped out his cell phone and taken a few pics to add to his Instagram account which might have had the desired purpose of bogging down said daring duo as the hordes of students grew, surrounding the would be pursuers like a swarm of large bees. Stiles adored the instantaneous nature of Social Media.

Of course they might have successfully outmanoeuvred the Avengers (Stiles so wanted to do his victory dance but there had been a ban imposed at the first and last formal building tenants meeting two years ago!) but the uninvited douche canoe in their living room was a different matter entirely.

Peter raised the trade mark Hale eyebrow with irritating slowness.

Stiles hated, hated, hated when he did that. It made him feel like a junior school kid again. Well ok it wasn't that long ago but they were adults now, forging their own path, making their own decisions, dealing with their own shit even if they still hadn't hit the age to freely imbibe alcoholic beverages. So why was it that when Uncle P showed up the dastardly dude managed to turn him into a stuttering little boy?

"I'll bet no-one ever made you feel like a twelve year old even when you were twelve" Stiles spat resentfully under his breath but of course the supernatural beings in room all heard him perfectly.  
Lydia rolled her eyes, Peter's smirk was so big it nearly slid off his damn face and Isaac just covered his eyes. Stiles would have blushed if he hadn't been an adult, damn brain to mouth filter.

Gah so not the point. The point being that they hadn't cleared their little business venture with their Alpha when they started it way back when, knowing how protective Der Bear was and how hard they had fought to get to this University which was further away than Derek had really wanted and now his wily undead second was here. Uncle P the lying liar who lied all the time could smell an untruth like a particularly pungent mouldy French cheese. Fuck a flying duck.

Lahey the absolute coward tried to slink off to his room on the pretext of finishing an urgent assignment but that irritating eyebrow was turned on him and the younger Werewolf subsided meekly on to the love chair by the window leaning for comfort against the last of the trio. Lydia had taken one glance at the uninvited figure in their lounge, shook her head and then resolutely ignored him as she stalked over to the extra wide seat, with her nose in the air and her lips in a tight line.

Stiles had been the only one who had been unable to keep his mouth shut as his outrage overtook his sense of danger. He carried on with disbelief  
"God damn it ZW you snogged the Winter Soldier. The Winter Soldier Dude, the Winter Soldier! And had the Black Widow threaten you with her bites. Have you been snorting Wolfsbane? Are you possessed Zombie Wolf, what the actual fuck?"

"Don't forget the fact that the Avenging Archer also had me in his sights dear boy" Peter purred wickedly, his blue eyes scanning the three miscreants who were all avoiding each other's eyes so obviously that he had to reign in the laughter. Adorable naughty little pups. They literally reeked of embarrassed guilt. What had they been up to?

"I can't even…" Stiles stopped to draw breath, then gulped when Peter rose and with little effort suddenly that graceful relaxed teasing urbane Uncle became the stern and disapproving Left Hand of the Hale pack. The smooth voice continued, the sarcasm biting.

"It's a conundrum isn't it my kiddiwinklets? The presence of the Avengers, and let's be honest here my little dumplings, the rather less righteously wholesome members of the Avengers, the trained assassins, you know the ones no-one wants to meet down a dark alley, those particular Avengers appearing just in time to confront my trio of treasures. Now why would they be stalking my sweet hardworking innocent student pack mates? Hmm. Darlings? Anyone? Feel free to offer me some insight into this very strange event"

The way Peter circled the room had Isaac almost cringing in his seat, his head tucked into Lydia's neck but the slight whine was audible to everyone. Lydia scowled as she patted Isaac's curls.  
"Oh do stop it Peter, we haven't done anything wrong. It was only a part time job to earn some extra money, and I will remind you that Derek said he didn't have a problem with that. He thought it would teach us fiscal responsibility."

Lydia snorted with exasperation as she ignored the sniggers from her two idiot temporary roommates. Maybe she would forgive Jackson a little sooner than planned for still wearing that Brooks Brothers ensemble when she had expressly asked for him to get the latest Canali suit when they visited her parents. It looked like it was time to go back to the house they shared.

It was an unfortunate and immutable fact that Peter Hale was not an idiot. Smug psychotic over protective and downright wicked but sadly not an idiot.  
Stiles hadn't taken his eyes away from Peter's face and he saw that damn eyebrow rise even higher.  
He could feel his shoulders start to hunch in anticipation of the next words that would drip slowly into their collective psyche in an obvious attempt to trap them into confessing.

"Now what kind of part time job could you possibly do that would earn yourselves a visit from those particular Avengers my darling little banshee? A spot of attempted world domination between seminars perhaps? Did you become Loki Minions or Dr Doom devotees whilst my back was turned? Or perhaps Hydra recruited you? Please God tell me it's not those losers AIM and their horrendous fashion sense, even those ridiculous Hydra masks have more style than those orange monstrosities!"

Before Lydia could utter her blistering reply, how dare Peter challenge her fashion sense even in jest, it was bad enough when Jackson wouldn't listen to her but Peter knew better damn it, Isaac blurted out "Exotic dancing" with his face still turned away.

There was a stunned silence. No one else in the room could actually believe that Isaac had uttered those words for a wide variety of reasons.

Despite the cringing fear of the axe that was about to fall, for Stiles there was the not so subtle glimmer of a silver lining.  
The expression on Zombie Wolf's face when his brain processed Isaac's words.

Stiles would treasure that look for many, many years to come. That expression would linger as a delightful memory until the day he died, which upon reflection was probably going to be that same day once Peter got over the shock and his embarrassment over displaying that shock and thus dispelling the legend of his omniscient menace.

Wow Stiles was impressed. He definitely had to work that sentence into one of his assignments somehow, which was a nice pipedream because they were all so dead once Peter recovered. Dead, dead, deady dead, dead. Goodbye cruel world.

Peter opened his mouth and closed it all in the space of a second. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"You stripped for the Avengers?" his voice was ominously calm as he asked the question.

"What? No Dude" Stiles objected strenuously "We don't strip, it's a totally tasteful customer focused burlesque art form"  
Stiles hung on to his indignation with gritted teeth especially when he could see the incredulous expressions directed his way from his business partners.

"Is that how you described it to your father Stiles?" And the Left hand was back in the building folks. Yep dead, dead, dead, dead and totally dead Dude.

Stiles winced but bravely rallied "We provide customised entertainment at special events, its' a lucrative legitimate business venture, and is there any need to mention this to anyone else Uncle P?" the words trailed off weakly

"You stripped for the Avengers" the Wolf repeated relentlessly then his eyes flashed, his fangs lengthened, and there was the appearance of the trademarked sideburns until standing there was the homicidal Zombie wolf they all knew and loved.

He took a step closer to Stiles, who took a step back, his amber eyes wide.  
Despite the ominous low rasp of his voice, Peter's tone was almost kind in direct contrast to the serial killer expression on his handsome furry face.

"Do they not understand the word No? Is that it? Did you refuse their advances and now they are making nuisances of themselves?"

Lydia leapt up from the seat in alarm, and Isaac fell towards the floor with a squawk and failing of limbs that was normally more Stiles's style.  
"No Peter, don't be ridicu…" she began but she was trying to convince an empty space because Peter Hale flew through the front door like an enraged predator leaving behind only echoes of that shiver inducing menacing snarl.

Huh right Werewolf. Big bad wolfy dude going to deal with threats to his pack… the blood fled from Stiles's already pale face until he looked like he was a monochrome version of himself.  
Fuck a flying duck the maniac was going after the Avengers. No, No, No. Uncle P was gonna get himself killed or locked up forever by some super shady Dudes in black when he decimated their superhero asses. They had to stop this. They had to stop him.

Stiles spun round in a total panic to see Lydia press a button on her cell.

"Young Miss Martin, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?" the British voice jovially asked.

"What the hell do you mean we need the Hulk safe room Jay? Just because this guy has jumped to the wrong conclusion, got his pantaloons in a twist, his Victorian sensibilities offended and is heading here to give us a peace of his mind?" Stark turned to glare at the three idiots who were without doubt utterly and absolutely the true cause of this stupid situation.

For the love of red and gold shiny things, he had told them to lay off those kids. Jarvis had told them to lay off those kids. His darling brand spanking (mmm) new husband America's own Captain had told them to lay off those kids and what did they go and do? The exact bloody opposite. This was going to turn into a PR nightmare if they weren't careful. Some old geezer ranting outside the compound about the Avengers lack of morals. Those Press bastards would love it.

Barton just leaned back in his chair and grinned at him, Tasha looked unimpressed but there had been a flicker in her eyes when Jarvis had explained the problem, and Barnes, why the hell was Barnes looking smug and satisfied about this clusterfuck?

"We are the Avengers Jarvis, any one of us could take this normal guy down and contain him until he gets his head on straight"

Tony was exasperated. He had a hot date with his husband who had arrived home not an hour ago from a three day mission. Tony himself had arrived back at the compound that morning after a short visit to Malibu to make sure the redecoration was well on its way to completion  
(The little bastards had used the place for a week long paintball tournament whilst he and Stevie had been on honeymoon. He was so pissed. Couldn't they have waited until after the honeymoon? He would have taken them all down and got to wear the Paintball Crown, not the damn Falcon. Ha Sam Wilson looked like such a sincere sap but he had a competitive streak a mile wide and had no scruples about what he had to do to win. The cheating cheater who cheated)

Tony had come back to the compound to fit in a little teensy momentary session in the workshop before he ravished his beautiful husband. The very definition of a perfect day in his life.  
He had plans damn it and now Jarvis had called a mini Avenger assembly because some old prude was coming to remonstrate with them about his enterprising young relatives.

Barton sniggered long and loud "Well that might not actually be the case Stark, don't think you can actually call someone normal who gets the drop on the Winter Soldier and snogs him, moving so fast away from the resultant punch that even I can't track him and faces down the Black Widow wearing the same kinda expensive suits that you do."

Stark's eyes went wide and then that trademark smirk appeared, slowly and inexorably.

Bucky glared at Barton, fucking blabbermouth. His teeth were clenched at the gleeful tone of Stark's voice as he connected the coms to his and Stevie's suite.

"Steven, get your excellent ass down here now. Your best pal has been kissing a man in a suit. I repeat, Barnes has been "facetiming" with a civilian in a business suit, without using his phone. Jaybird I want pictures or it didn't happen"

The final straw for Barnes, the thing that made him close his eyes in despair and vow a deep and dark vengeance upon all of them was the calm voice of the Black Widow as she corrected Stark "Your best pal has been kissing a goateed man in a suit".

The unremitting howls of laughter just gave him a headache. He was going to kill them all.

Peter stared at the soothing pale pastel coloured walls in the empty room. He slowly swung round to take in the rest of the place and it was enormous. He barely remembered the journey to the Compound as utter rage and the enticing scent that hadn't left him since his little altercation with the delicious leather clad Winter Solder drew him onwards like a heat seeker missile powered by a shocking sense of betrayal.  
That gorgeous bastard had been perving on the pack pups and he was going to get what was coming to him courtesy of the Left Hand of the Hale Pack.

Then his eyes and his nose found the very same leather jacket in the corner of the room. The growl that resounded in the empty space sounded like a hound of hell. He had been led here like a damn sniffer dog.

A calm voice greeted him gently. "Mr Hale Sir, there appears to have been some misunderstanding, please allow me to correct it."

Then a recording was projected onto one of the bare walls.

For the second time that day Peter Hale was stunned into silence. Dear Future Husband indeed! Officers Lycan and Woods were so getting another visit from Uncle P where a discussion on upholding the image of the Pack was going to be first on the Agenda. Seriously those outfits had to go. For the love of good taste those uniforms were so badly made, what were they thinking? And where the hell did Stiles keep that cell phone in that skin tight outfit?  
He ignored the relief roiling around in his gut. He wouldn't have to hurt that delicious delectable man, well not unless he was agreeable to that sort of thing. Before he could continue with that disturbingly naughty train of thought, Peter became aware of the seamless wall sliding open and a familiar enticing scent preceded the entrance of the Winter Soldier.

He swung his head towards the guy and his breath caught at the sight of those abs in that tight long sleeved tee, the messy man bun he wanted to ruin and those god damn leather trousers which left nothing to the imagination. The Wolf and the Man both wanted.

The Winter Soldier had forced himself to the fore because of the inherent threat presented by the compelling stranger. Bucky complained bitterly as he fought to stay aware and in control

There was a long silence as they surveyed each other as the dangerous predators they both were.

"You aren't afraid of me". The Soldier stated gruffly. It wasn't a question.

"You aren't afraid of me". The suave Stranger smirked back at him. Also not a question

The Soldier raised an eyebrow unimpressed, the action mirrored with mocking delight by the Stranger.

The Soldier's stalked calmly around the Stranger, silver eyes roamed the trim body in the fine suit, assessing musculature, strength, threat levels and weak points as he had been trained. To see all and be able to take action at a moment's notice.

The guy stood there, the ultimate impression of being as meek as a lamb until the sight of that deadly smirk on those sculptured lips got rid of that notion quicker than even Stark could say wolf in sheep's clothing.  
That smirk on that unfairly handsome face grew wider, wicked amusement gleamed in those startling blue eyes but he made no overt dangerous moves only his body seemed to flow into a position that showed it to its best advantage, especially the gluteus maximus muscle.

Bucky blinked after nearly rolling his eyes, god damn it you cold blooded jerk, it's his ass, it's his fine, fine ass that is being shown to its best advantage, that same ass outlined in those fitted trousers should be classed as illegal. If that wasn't carrying a concealed weapon with intent, then just damn dip him in blue dye and call him Vision. The Soldier scowled even as Bucky's mouth watered.

"Take him down, review threat assessment, take him down, grip that throat and neutralise the threat, take him down, remove the danger, take him down" insisted the Soldier part of his brain.

"Hold him down, review that body, hold him down, grip that throat and watch him swallow, hold him down, remove the clothes, hold him down" purred Bucky's one track mind.

For a second Bucky could have sworn that the guy's eyes flashed an even deeper blue but then the brash voice of Iron man burst impatiently out of the speakers.

"Yes, yes, No-one is afraid of anyone. It was all a big misunderstanding yada yada yada. Now tell us what you are Mr Impeccable Taste in Suits with the fine furry face and I am not talking of your beard here, and then you and the leather clad Robocop can find a god damn room whilst the rest of us try to bleach our brains."

"Why Mr Stark, I'm the big bad wolf who has come to collect his happy ever after." The deep rumble sent goosebumps across Bucky's flesh arm. The guy took a step towards him and lowered his voice as he spoke directly to him "I'm going to make you huff and puff as I blow you"

In the workshop, Steve turned away from the holoscreen to say to Tony in the workshop with innocent confusion

"I get that reference but shouldn't it be as I blow your house down?"

Barton fell of the back of his chair with a bellow of laughter. Natasha smirked and Banner turned his head away to hide the smile on his face.  
Tony stared at his husband in disbelief, once again he wasn't sure whether to comfort his darling relic or slap him across the head. He buried his own head in his hands instead with a helpless groan.

Steve grinned wickedly. He had waited patiently to get his own back for that night.

"Well at least I didn't say stop that there are ladies present gosh darn it this time!"

* * *

AN. And that's a wrap folks. Don't think there will be another chapter in this little verse. Hope you enjoyed it.


	4. Chapter 4

**48 hours before Peter Hale meets the Winter Soldier.**

There was a loud crash as the half full mug of coffee shattered on the floor. Morning sunshine threw the puddle of dark liquid into relief and the splatter looked like a huge join the dots drawing of an octopus.

Isaac blinked. His pretty eyes widened in disbelief. Stiles Stilinski did not waste coffee. Ever. He even drank the stuff cold. Coffee was the Holy Grail. Coffee was life blood. All hail the god Coffee. Coffee was elixir and ambrosia combined. Coffee was the youngest Stilinski's soulmate liquefied. Coffee was… all over the damn place and there were no shrieks of despair, gnashing of teeth, disgusting attempts to slurp it from the floor (no, no don't go there Isaac. What happens during mid-terms stays during mid-terms) or wrenching of head hair. ("Swear to God, Stiles one more time and I will gut you. My curls are not detachable").

What the actual fuck?

Isaac dragged his fascinated gaze away from the ever creeping coffee tentacles and stared at his pale-faced, wide-eyed, strangely silent pack mate. He needed to make a note in his journal. It was a momentous day. Not only was there coffee running for its life across their kitchen floor but Stiles's mouth was flapping like a flag in a silent movie. No sound. No groan. No whines. Just silence. Stiles Stilinski was silent.

Isaac started searching his clothes frantically for his cell. He had to call the Emergency Services, the Sheriff and NORAD. He wasn't even sure in which order but they all had to be informed. This was it. The Apocalypse was coming. The End of the World was nigh. They were doomed. The four horsemen were breathing down his neck. Damn he should have put on a scarf this morning. Fuck a flying duck!

"Dude… I snogged Tony Stark", the faint words were uttered in a disbelieving whisper. The croaky voice continued, rising with hysteria "Dude, Dude, we bared flesh for the Avengers and I kissed Tony Stark."

Despairing amber brown eyes stared into Isaac's confused navy blue. Was that all? No apocalypse? No horseman giving him goosebumps. The draft on his neck must have come from the gap in the kitchen window. How dare Stiles scare him like that? His wolf rose to the surface to be part of his revenge, his navy eyes turning to glowing gold as he began to smirk.

"Nekkid nipples in front of Captain America" Isaac chimed in mockingly. Stiles buried his head in his hands with a pathetic whine.  
"Oh my god we are going to hell for besmirching the purity of America's Darling. Even worse if my Dad finds out I danced exotically in front of his hero, he will de-frock me, excommunicate me, exile me to Australia on a ghostly prison ship where I will be forced to swab the decks. I will be an ex-Stilinski." The words were tumbling out of Stiles mouth faster than he could draw breath. He was making up for his momentous momentary silence now.

"Danced exotically? Danced exotically? I thought it was a totally tasteful customer focused burlesque experience?" Isaac continued with a snarky giggle.

Stiles's head shot up like a rather large but still cute meerkat. He scowled at the curly-haired little shit and was about to physically rip Isaac's tongue out of his laughing mouth when the curly-haired mocking menace excelled himself.

"Who do you think would get to you first, your Dad or Derek?"

Stiles' mouth dropped open as he stared at his partner in crime with utter horror.

Isaac, the unfeeling bastard, laughed so hard his curls were agitated. Stiles fingers twitched with the need to tug until he had a handful for his secret collection but his crisis of conscience was too important. He would wait until Isaac was asleep and take care of business with his trusty nail scissors.

"Seventy years in the ice didn't stop Cap's ass stroking tendencies Stiles, he groped my butt Dude, my cute little butt. Besides I reckon Iron Man has done more than his fair share of besmirching the Man with a Plan especially when he is wearing his Star spangled banner." Isaac tried to re-assure his distraught pack mate even if he couldn't stop laughing.

"I can console myself with the knowledge that we will never have to see them again. Derek and Dad will never ever know." Stiles muttered with desperation.

Then Stiles narrowed his eyes and his retaliation was offered so sweetly to the still amused Wolf that it took a few seconds for the full horror to hit Isaac

"Hopefully that will include Scott, Allison and Chris too Dude."

Utter silence surged back into kitchen as two pairs of eyes refused to look at each other anymore and instead surveyed the mutating coffee octopus join the dot pattern on the tiles.

 **48 hours after Peter has bearded (or used his beard on) the Winter Soldier at the Compound**.

"Young Officer Woods, a pleasure to speak with you once more. It has only been nine minutes and three seconds since we last spoke regarding this topic. You are to be congratulated that you have broken the ten minute record you set earlier this morning. However I'm afraid Mr Peter Hale is as yet unavailable to respond to your call. He and Sergeant Barnes are still tied up, as I have relayed to you a total of forty three times since our intermittent but protracted conversation first commenced yesterday afternoon at 2.00 pm Eastern seaboard time"

Stiles so wanted to be JARVIS when he grew up. The guy was a master of the art of Snark. He was the Supreme Lord of Sarcasm in that polite British voice.  
But right now, right at this moment in time, currently, Stiles just wanted to smack him round the head with a Crosse (yeah he knew JARVIS didn't have a head, but there must be a server somewhere he could whack and give the stalling sarcastic software a headache in retaliation for stalling and being sarcastic).

This was important damn it. Wait what was he thinking? Maybe he needed to whack himself with the Crosse instead. If Uncle P was too busy ravishing that scary soldier dude to answer a call, then he was too busy to make any calls to anyone else, say like a particular Alpha or a particular Sheriff who was also a particular parent. A very particular parent when it came to his only son. Okay then. Maybe no more hassling the super intelligent incorporeal AI dude with ultimate access to the Internet who has no shame or compunction in taking revenge on those foolish enough to irritate him. If JARVIS had the balls to prank his own creator who could in theory overwrite his code, and donate him to a community college, then his man JARVIS could squash Stiles like a bug.

 **48 hours after Stiles last phone call.**

Peter Hale stared with smirking satisfaction and no little pride at the utterly exhausted super soldier who lay sprawled naked across their bed. Hmm it appeared that werewolf stamina could more than hold its own against the strength of a horny super soldier. It had helped that it had been the full moon, it had given him some extra zip, pep, glow or just plain old fashioned strength. Not that he intended to let his new Mate know that, not yet at least. They were still working through their competitive phase. He trailed a gentle slightly sharper than usual nail down from the nape of the Soldier's neck towards the intriguing dip at the base of his spine when his hand was captured and then he was suddenly beneath the wide awake smirking sex god who was his mate.

"I didn't know wolves could purr Peter", the deep sultry voice murmured next to his twitching ear.

Peter's smile was wide and lethal. "This wolf can do whatever he damn well pleases" he murmured back before rolling his mate so that he was on top again. All that luscious skin to skin contact made him want to purr even more.

Bucky's laugh was bright as he grinned up at Peter but both their smiles turned to groans when they heard JARVIS politely but firmly deliver the messages he had received whilst they had been incommunicado.

Bucky had teasing complaints mostly from Steve and Tony, he was pleased to note that Bruce, Sam and Natasha had left him alone. But Barton was a dead man. He had just left a series of ever more annoying wolf whistles. Bucky was going to get the Archer's favourite compound bow and shove it… But his thoughts were interrupted by numerous messages that turned out to be even more annoying than Barton's.

"Uncle P. I need to talk to you." "Uncle P, ring me back" "Uncle P, seriously ZW how long does it take to …" "Uncle Peter ring meeeeeeee" "Uncle P, Uncle P, Uncle P, Uncle P…. I can keep this up all day Peter. No young Sir you cannot. You are not using any more of my processing system to be annoying. Call back later" JARVIS's voice blessedly interrupted the kid.

Bucky snorted with amusement. "Reached your limit JARVIS?" "Indeed Sergeant Barnes, the young person actually hit my so far un-accessed tolerance buffers and I have been dealing with Sir all my life!"

Peter's smirk grew. Only Stiles. Now what did the little pain in his ass want? Just as he was about to ask JARVIS to connect him to the brat, Bucky asked curiously "So are you an Uncle to those kids? I didn't think they were related."

"They aren't but they are part of my pack so they have always called me Uncle and shortened my name to P. Only those darlings find it too difficult to say my whole name"

"Well I suppose they can call me Uncle Buck if they have to shorten everything" the soldier offered with a grin. It faded when he saw the appalled expression on Peter's face "Oh Dear God no. Not Uncle Buck. I wouldn't let those little deviants do that to you. The next thing we know there will be Pork Pie hats and long grey macs. No. No. No. No. No"

Peter's wail of despair was cut off by another message from Stiles. "Hey Uncle P, does this mean we can call your man Uncle Buck" and the call faded away to the sound of the little shit laughing his rocks off. Peter was not going to take this lying down. Even if he was lying down.

 **48 hours later back at the Compound.**

"So kid, I am dying to know where you kept your cell in that cop's outfit."

Before Stiles could respond, a familiar, so very familiar, voice calmly interrupted.

"Thank you Mr Stark. That was also one of the questions I wanted my son to answer after watching a very interesting video Peter sent to me. I am curious to understand what a totally tasteful customer focused burlesque art form means as a legitimate business venture and how long it has been going on."

A heavy hand clamped down on Isaac's shoulder and firmly gripped it. "Seems the Sheriff and I have the same questions young man. I know Scott and Allison are going to be really interested in your answers too"

Stiles hissed at Isaac "What's the matter with you. Couldn't you tell my Dad and Chris were here?"

"Not if Derek didn't want him to darling boy" Peter smirked as he walked off to where his mate was showing his new pork pie hat to Captain America. He did indeed look rather fetching in it.

"Fuck a flying duck".

* * *

AN:

So there was more inspiration. Bucky being called Uncle Buck. I just had to find a way to include that in this AU. Please he would look adorable in a pork pie hat!

Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.

Enjoy.


End file.
